hello.s.t.r.a.n.g.e.r.

Tonight during dinner a sudden realisation hit me. I felt rather sad when it did, because it was an obvious and simple conclusion yet it took me such a long time to realise it.

Some people, no matter how long you've known them, or how much time you spend around them in their company, remain strangers at best. You are never let into the intimate details of their lives, not knowing what they like or even what they are like as a friend. You hear stories about them but you do not comprehend; you hear their voices but you do not feign to listen; you see them within the company of close friends but there seems to be magnetic fields from opposite poles that repel you away from them. Distance is not as acutely felt in the physical as it is in the lack of emotional and spiritual connection. We become slightly more than mere acquaintances but ever so much more differentiated and alienated. With each shared experience, we draw further and further apart, until the gap inbetween overwhelms me with despair at times. Melancholy rushes over me in waves when I am in their company. 'Friends' for four years but I can hardly even remember a single heart-to-heart conversation, nor a moment of true friendship. I know nothing about them, just as they know nothing about me. If ever I were in trouble, would they lift a finger to help? If ever they were in need, would I offer mine in return? Strange then, that within that very circle are other people I really care about. Strange then, that one who is deemed talkative and loud in the company of some, should be reduced to a background shadow lurking around in the company of others. I am not their priority, and for the same reason, they are not mine. Why should one be made to feel so insecure all the time? Doubts of self-confidence and of stability in friendship, nagging concerns of the lack of group acceptance that never seems to fade away no matter how I try to ignore them. Why do I still hang around even when it becomes painfully obvious that I would much rather be somewhere else, with someone else? I couldn't help but wonder what went wrong along the way... Was it me? Was it them? Or is it just that we were simply not meant to be? Is that elusive connection a result of incompatible personalities or does it just stem from an ingrained disinterest over the years of forged friendship? Somehow I feel that if we all tried hard enough, and started to listen to one another more, this sinking boat might still be rescued in the nick of time. However, as inertia sets in, and things settled into a comfort zone, the likelihood of that happening is practically zilch. We can only keep up the pretence, until life leads us in our various routes, eventually splitting us apart and granting us the chance to starting anew all over again. It is the feeling of a bird cooped up in a cage, about to be set free.