SIGH...
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I foresee whatever little self-respect / confidence I have right now being beaten down to a pulp by the end of my 4th month, let alone 4 years. It is going to be such a long time indeed. I wonder if I'll even recognise myself by the time I get out. Am I that incompetent or am I just stuck in a place I'm highly unsuited for? New York seems so far away. As much as I had to deal with difficult problems while I was there, at least I managed to find a bit of myself, found things that truly interested me, and came alive somewhat. Here, I'm merely a ghost, a weak shadow of what I want to become. I have to remember that my fate lies in my own hands, and that I'm not a helpless victim of circumstance. Be strong jan and fight your way through! One woman's (or even the entire company's) judgmement doth not maketh a man! You can be who you believe youself to be. And if all else fails, just turn to alcohol.
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