w.h.o ?
This is a constant search.
The search for the meaning of life. To perhaps begin to understand what or who you are, the overlappings of complexities and subtleties that seem superficial and yet simultaneously hint at the presence of a unknown depths. Who can really understand what makes a person? Or what distinguishes the great from the greater?
There will always be someone smarter, more intellectual, more artistic, more talented, more sociable than I am. This is a fact that I have to live with and I have stop beating myself up over it. An overly-competitive spirit coupled with an intrinsic lack of drive to achieve can only give rise to dissatisfaction.
E.n.n.u.i. With great precision and conciseness, a simple word encapsulates my entire life. A feeling of weariness and disgust; dullness and languor of spirits, arising from satiety or want of interest. Life is tedious and overly convoluted. A life without a goal is a person without a soul. The mundane things grate on my very existence and drain me to a pulp. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Or is it a mere projection of random incoherent images, a by-product of prolonged containment in lala-land?
M.e.d.i.o.c.r.i.t.y. The rut that most people fall into. I am neither bad enough to be condemned nor excellent enough to warrant approbation and distinction. I'll get through life on my own terms, seeking always to do better but never really getting there. It irks me that I am so.
O.v.e.r.-.d.i.v.e.r.s.i.f.i.c.a.t.i.o.n. I've spread myself too thin, being unfocussed about my dreams, over quantifying my abilities, masking my eyes with self-induced veils of hypocrisy and escapism, succumbing to constant procrastinations, and occasionally abetting my delusions with proclamations of " I can do it! Come on jannyjanjan!"
All is futile, all is waste.
2 comments:
Janice, in my eyes, you have never entered into a state of ennui. People have always seen you as super energetic and full of life with so many talents and the amazing ability to pursue so many interests. How many people managed to be an OGL, be in Track & Field team, AND be in choir, all at the same time? I suppose over diversification is not something I'm sure applies to you - simply because as I have said, you have talents in all these areas. And them being talents, and you actually pursuing them, you never fall into mediocrity.
So there :)
Yuwen
Perhaps in my myopic self-degradatory state I have failed to mention my one and only saving grace: Friends like you, who always encourage and build up whatever has been shattered to pieces. Thank you SO much for seeing something in me that I could have never have seen in myself, not even in a million years. This amorphous imperfect inchoate being, shall therefore embark on life's journey once again, complete in the knowledge that there are people all around who actually do care. And that, sometimes, is all that matters. :)
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