rushrushrush.
I'm in a harried state of mind.
Haven't had time to pause think and reflect on what's been going on around me the last one and a half weeks. I realised that blogging is really therapeutic, and having gone cold turkey from blog (no thanks in large to my silly home computer which has, surprise surprise, died again!?!?), I feel as if there's so many things I've wanted to say but it's all lost by now. Random thoughts floating in the air that will never be anchored down until I chance upon them again.
Life's full of opportunities and choices, whether one grasps hold of them tightly of not. My heart aches for things that could have been, but now will never be.
The possibilities are indeed endless.
It's such a torture to live through life wondering... What if?
What if I had been smarter, prettier, slimmer, richer, more popular, a guy, a gay?
What if I never get to go overseas to study? What if I had decided to study art instead of aki?
What if what if what if.
I hate it that the options are so convoluted, and the future seems so blurry and unfocussed. Then again, is it always possible to live vicariously all the time? To count every blessing, to be grateful and appreciative for what we already have, to say this is my life that I'm living and be proud of it?
My thoughts are incoherent, my body's crying out for rest. Sleep offers no respite for the troubled mind.
2 comments:
yeah.. life's like that i guess... everyone s trying hard to live this life which has perhaps just gone too cloudy. Its like living in that moment, anticipating the day as the dark clouds approach you. One just feels so lost and uninspired... Im lost too.. still lost.. very much lost... my next couple of years are so uncertain...
fear... fear... fear
god knows where, when and how all these will lead me to...
just pray we all will be still alive to see the sunlight some through the clouds again...
perhaps tomorrow
perhaps the day when the next full month comes
perhaps next year
perhaps when we have realised many things which we failed to see now...
yah, perhaps...
Uncertainty.
That's the key word here I suppose. Everyone's trying to make some sense out of their lives, to see into the future, to discover what we will become, to know FOR CERTAIN.
The flipside of certainty is perhaps a stoic resignation to the future, a lack of excitement and anticipation stemming from the lack of mystery, and basically a meaningless life. For what more can life be if the future has already been set in stone? Life becomes a mere existence instead of the journey it was originally meant to be.
After some much needed rest, I'm beginning to see things in a different light now. God gave us a choice for a reason. And it's the choices that we make along the way which eventually decide our future. Uncertainty is thus a by-product of freedom of choice. It'll definitely take me some time to embrace that freedom, so in the meantime, I'll just have to learn to live with uncertainty.
And I really don't know why I'm preachy jan today haha :)
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